THE DANCE OF THE SHADOW AND THE LUMINOSITY

There’s something on my mind.
It’s 2:25 a.m. and I just want to write.

I haven’t been having a bad time, not exactly.
It’s more like I’ve been going through a time of doing nothing.
But even that is a label, isn’t it?

It seems our systems, our minds, are so deeply conditioned to believe:
“You cannot just lie in bed and do nothing. If you do, you are wasted. You are wasting your time.”

But that’s not true.
Lying in bed and doing nothing is doing something — just without movement.

So these days, I was simply existing.
According to my conditioning, I somehow leaned toward a kind of soft self-destruction:
eating badly, watching mindless TV…

But I never avoided the void when it came.
When it arrived, I would turn off everything, let the world fall silent, and just be there.

In spite of those days where I didn’t want to do anything at all,
I realised I was feeling bad because I wasn’t doing anything.

But at the same time, that led me to question:
Is doing something always good?

And my answer? No.

Some days I just have bad days.
I don’t want to do anything.
I’m not a fucking machine designed for endless productivity in this life that constantly pushes you to perform, to show that you’re “happy” and “positive.”

Well… not this time.
I’ve spent years trying to play that game.
And now I’ve decided to fully embrace my fucking void.
And you know what? That’s fine.

I spent years trapped in the invisible cage:
“I should be productive.”
“I should be disciplined.”
“I should be strong, perfect, constant.”

Every time I tried, I fell harder.
I was never the disciplined guy. I was never the ultra-productive machine.
I believed this made me broken. It didn’t.
I now know: I am not broken. I am simply human.

No, I don’t think everyone needs to reject who they really are.

But don’t you feel that almost every time you are something,
someone external — or worse, you yourself — starts correcting your behaviour in a fucking “productive” way?

I should feel this way.
I should go and put effort into something.

But is that truly your choice?
Or is it just a voice inside you, endlessly repeated by this fucking social media machine, whispering:
“You should be doing something.”

Is it not acceptable to feel like shit?
To simply do nothing for a while?

Don’t you think this constant “should” is just the lingering ghost of post-capitalism implanted deep inside your mind, drilling into you:
“You must produce. Otherwise, you are nothing.”

How did we go from being humans…
to becoming productive machines, trading labour for money to buy external validations because we feel empty inside?

And then the loop continues:
You work hard to achieve things you never even wanted,
just because society told you that you should want them.

Fuck that.

I have days, weeks where I do nothing.
I spiral into existential fatigue, into bed, into apathy.
I drink, I self-sabotage, I avoid.
And yet, I survive.

The shadow is not my enemy anymore.
I just observe the shadow.
And in observing, it dissolves.
I don’t fight the wave anymore. I surf it.

Let me tell you a truth nobody wants to hear.

Have you ever wondered why you can’t achieve what you think you should be able to?
You’re not alone, man.

Maybe you don’t get what you want because you’re not fucking David Goggins,
obsessively repeating to yourself that you must “overcome your body” to become a “better version”…

As if we were just some beta software in production, waiting to be deployed by engineers to deliver a better product to humanity.

Isn’t that stupid?

Listen carefully.
The people who seem “disciplined,” who eat healthy, study hard, work harder…
It’s not because they somehow earned that ability from sheer willpower.

Here’s where I’ll share my view on human nature.
You might disagree, and that’s fine.
It doesn’t matter.
The only thing that matters is that you understand the point.

Those people are simply the living representations of their past conditioning.
They didn’t become that way in a vacuum.
Somewhere along the line, someone gave them an environment, an opportunity, a safe space to grow and develop discipline.

(Wink, wink to Robert Sapolsky, Determined and Behave.)

And don’t fucking come at me with the tired exception story:
“But some people rise from traumatic childhoods and still succeed!”

Yes, that happens.
And we glorify them, we build fucking monuments, we make movies about them.

But that’s the exception.
That’s not the reality for most human beings.

Look at the whole picture.
Is it fair to think that because a few outliers “made it,” everyone else just needs to “try harder” and they’ll succeed too?

First, ask yourself: Who exactly “made it”?
Africans?
Afghan people?
The people of Gaza?
Burundi?

The answer is no.
It’s not universally possible.
It never was.

I realised there is no center, no “ideal me” I must reach.
There is no Carlo to “fix.”
There is no meaning I must achieve.
Life flows through me, not from me.

My laziness is not a curse. It’s part of my rhythm.
When action comes, it comes. When it doesn’t, I wait.
I don’t rush anymore. There is nowhere to go.

Therefore, think:
If you feel like shit, let it be.
If you feel like you’re not enough, let it be.
Don’t push it.

Don’t listen to people telling you that you’re wrong.
You are not wrong.
You are okay.
You are simply a human being trapped in a profoundly sick world that believes it’s healthy.

Don’t push yourself to “be your better version.”
You are a human being.
A fucking human being who needs to rest, take a shit, love, live, cry when you have to.

And then, once you allow it, you synchronize with yourself.

You might be broke because your childhood was brutal.
You might have made decisions you never wanted to make.
And that’s part of your life too.
Don’t reject it. Let it be.

You are enough.
You might be in pain, but don’t fight it.
Just let it exist.
When you give space to feel that way, you’ll realize: it wasn’t as bad as your mind told you.

Maybe your life won’t change, but your relationship with life will.
You won’t be at war anymore between “who you are” and “who you think you should be.”

Once the rain passes, sit down.
Look at yourself and ask:
What do I actually want?

Have I ever desired this, or was it placed inside me by someone else?
Are these thoughts truly mine?
Is this idea of “who I should be” something I genuinely chose?
Or is it just a mental program installed by society?

If it’s the second option, isn’t it worth questioning?
Not rejecting, but questioning.
There’s a difference.

When you start to investigate without searching for answers, something shifts.
Not because you reject yourself, but because you leave the door open for exploration.

You don’t say, “Why am I this way?”
You ask, “Is the way I want to be something I truly thought for myself?”

Question. Observe.
You might find a new internal rhythm without rejecting who you are.
And you’ll finally live a life that synchronizes with who you actually are,
not with someone else’s expectations.

I no longer chase perfection.
I walk my path.
I stop when I’m tired.
I move when I’m ready.
I’m not here to win. I’m here to exist.

The dance of the shadow and the luminosity continues.

“There is no perfect me. There is only the me that flows today.”